Learning Spanish SUCKS - the video.

Me, trying to learn Spanish has been the BIGGEST frustration of my LIFE since moving to Costa Rica 7 years ago.

I can tell you people get almost pissed when I tell them that my Spanish SUCKS! They seem to have no problem letting me know that I've been in Costa Rica far too long not to know Spanish- "If you wanted to learn, you would." In some ways I agree with them...

Check out the video and tell me if I deserve a little more sympathy... or not. Is there ANYONE out there that can RELATE?

Don't tell me I'm the only one.
TONS of Costa Rica Travel Info and VIDEOS on our website: Travel Costa Rica NOW and if you want to visit our YouTube Channel: iCostaRica24 ENjoY!

Someone can't drive 55 in Costa Rica

Is it possible to outrun the police in Costa Rica?
On our way from Manuel Antonio to La Fortuna the driver passed the Costa Rica police check point at approximately 85 mph, well, he did slow down a little, but apparently only as a ruse.

There's no WAY the driver missed the police motioning him to pull over, hell, the policeman was standing in the road for god sake, if the driver hadn't seen him, he'd have run him over- pork chops anyone?

The driver had passed approximately 8 cars on a double yellow and the police were sitting in a prime location to see the act in progress- hand TOTALLY caught in the cookie jar.

Enter cop- pointing to the driver and motioning him to pull over.

The driver acted as if he just might pull over but upon reaching the police check point the driver gunned it and the police quickly turned into a 'Laurel and Hardy' skit, complete with dramatic hand motions and speechless mouth gestures. At least that was the scene from the rear-view mirror.

This driver must have been CR-a-ZY! Hadn't he heard of walkie-talkies, helicopters... radar guns with the capability of reading license plates.... apparently NOT! Dumbass, he's going DOwn, you just don't run from the police.

I know for a FACT this is the second time this driver 'kept going', the other time being in San Jose when he was passing cars on the right and the lane abruptly ENDed and the check point began... f'in police, always RIGHT there when you don't need them.

I'm pretty sure I know what was going through the drivers brain- Immigration status, question after question, high fees, bribery, deportation, Costa Rican jail with a guy name Jose that thinks you have a nice ass....... the mind plays tricks, even I know that.

So, at some point the driver obviously says, "fuck it", let's see what happens- and punches it- Thelma and Louise style...bitches.

WOW, this could be interesting and I got a front row seat but as turns out, it's NOT.

And here lies the moral of the story as it pertains to Costa Rica- NOTHING happens, nada, zip, zippity-do-da, no chase, no helicopters, no fees, no jail time, no NOTHING... so I'm thinkin this driver deserves some props for having the gonads....

So, for your amusement and mine, and because I'm celebrating the fact someone has a bigGER than BIG BALL sac:



TONS of Costa Rica Travel Info and VIDEOS on our website: Travel Costa Rica NOW and if you want to visit our YouTube Channel: iCostaRica24 ENjoY!

Stress-free, Costa Rican Mosquito Repellent huh?

Fortuna, Costa Rica, stress free living.
Living in Costa Rica has provided me a stress-FREE life. How can I be certain I live stress-free in Costa Rica you ask?

Because EVERYDAY I get bit by mosquitoes. yeah, I said it, mosquitoes, EVERYDAY.

I knew mosquitoes loved me MORE than most, but now I know why.. and it all makes SENSE. I first talked about the infatuation bugs and mosquitoes have for me- HERE.

The latest mosquito research just came out and I won’t go into the specifics here, but scientists who study the reasons mosquitoes like to feast on some people while ignoring others, think they may have found the ANSWER. In a nutshell- Humans emit chemicals; people who live stressFUL lives emit certain chemicals which act as a natural repellent so to speak.... so apparently mosquitoes don’t like stress in their short little lives either. And for those of us who live stress-free LIVES, well, let’s just say the chemicals WE emit are the ‘steak and potatoes’ of the mosquito world. AND, what better way to be reminded you live a stress-free life than by living in the tropics of Costa Rica where the mosquito population pretty much outnumbers EVERYTHING…. for me, no need to go to the doctor for a stress test, as of this morning- 4 bites to the ankles while doing yoga and if there’s added points for the ITCH factor… I should live to be 100.

I know I feel BETTER…. knowing the bumps and the endless hours of itching aren’t all for nothing. No pain, no gain... ummm. And I’ve said it before, but if you’re with me in a ROOM, I am your DEET, your BEST defense, a natural, walking mosquito repellent, just make sure to stay within 5 ft of me at all times for FULL effect.

As I was reading the mosquito article, I was fairly satisfied,, agreeing and nodding my head in approval- I felt somewhat validated or something for making the decision to downsize and lead the simple LIFE in Costa Rica... yeah I know, I was reading WAY to much into it.

Then it occurred to me-

When I was 24, I drank like 2 cases of beer, burned a hole the size of a quarter in the palm of my hand with a cigarette because I had just ‘made-out’ with my friends wife, rolled my jeep driving home and as I paced the jail cell with 'Chester the Molester' lurking by, I realized I had just been bitten like 7 times on my legs and ankles by some pesky mosquitoes…

Fuck! There goes that theory.

Fortuna, Costa Rica- STRESS FREE with or without mosquito bites... haha.
Hey Everyone, we got TONS of Costa Rica Travel Information in our Travel Guide at Travel Costa Rica NOW and don't FORGET all our Costa Rica Travel Tip Videos, completely ORGANIZED so you can EASILY find what you're LOOKING for. ENjOY!

"I'm a Celebrity..." - Costa Rica doesn't CARE

'Heidi Pratt of I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here', before the Puking and Diarrhea.'
I just read (very accidentally of course) the show, 'I'm a Celebrity- Get Me Out of Here', being filmed here in Costa Rica has had a casualty of sorts with one of the 'celebrity's ' , Heidi Pratt. It appears she's been taken to the hospital for some kind of stomach issue. Hopefully not just a bout of bulimia... sorry, couldn't resist

I won't spend much time on this post since I definitely made my feelings known about my thoughts of this show being filmed in Costa Rica, and 'REALITY SHOW'S' in general... AND the fact I'm giving this any TIME at all seems somewhat hypocritical. The post is here: Reality TV in Costa Rica- Say it isn't SO.

I swear I'm not a bad guy, I generally care about people and don't really want to see harm come to anyone. But could a stomach 'WHATEVER' happen to a nicer BITCH? There's a part of me (hopefully small), that hopes Mrs. Pratt is bent over the toilet trying to decide whether to puke or shit and contemplating the consequences of perhaps making the wrong decision. NOW, that's REALITY I can empathize with.

Poor Heidi, she's UPSET and not feeling so much like a Celebrity>>>>>>>

After all, how dare she and the rest of the 'has-beens' and 'wannabe's' come down to my country, yeah, I said it, and take it for GRANTED... EXPLOIT it for the sake of entertainment and personal gain and not EXPECT Mother Nature's first son, Costa Rica, to leave you with a little something, something. A woman's scorn... sweet.

I was going to Rant a little more, but I'm going cliche NOW, this video pretty much let's you know how I feel. WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE BABY............... YOU'RE GONNA DIEEEEE. (I know, a little dramatic, plus I'm half kidding, so RELAX), Now, if I could just get a poison dart frog to jump in Janice Dickinson's MOUTH...



Hey Everyone, we got TONS of Costa Rica Travel Information in our Travel Guide at Travel Costa Rica NOW and don't FORGET all our Costa Rica Travel Tip Videos, completely ORGANIZED so you can EASILY find what you're LOOKING for. ENjOY!

Costa Rica- Irritations NEVER Cease

'Costa Rican Mosquitoes LOVE me and BUGS want to GET with me.'
Culture Shock should be expected when moving to a foreign country- it’s the degree and how it’s dealt with that tends to be the DEAL BREAKER. INFO on Culture Shock.

I’ve dealt with the Culture Shock Shit, no problem; it’s the mosquitoes, bug bites, rashes, infections (I prefer in-fuck-tions) and random breathing problems that have been kickin my ass since moving to Costa Rica. Hell, give me the Culture Shock, it just may be easier to deal with.

Todays SKIN issue. Both armpits. IRRITATING and ITCHY- 2 weeks now.
Let’s go BACK a bit:

Growing up and into adulthood I’ve always had skin problems- face and back acne (zits on the ASS are also highly attractive), dry skin, eczema, really…. rash type problems too numerous to mention. I recall going weeks with my back in constant agony of needing to be scratched. I use to scratch my back with a huge butcher knife and ONCE, I forgot to go back and forth and instead went up and down… NOT good. And don’t get me started on JOCK itch….ewh! Side Note: If your son or daughter has acne issues- do whatever is in your power to HELP them and don’t joke about it- Teenage Acne is a serious self-esteem issue and shouldn’t be taken lightly. Dealing with kids was my past life. See: Accutane, it WORKS, but it's a visit to the Doctor thing.

Not me, but my HEART goes out>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

So, I’m not foreign to skin issues and I suppose I shouldn’t have been surprised when they began popping up shortly after arriving in Costa Rica.

But not just 'rash-type' skin issues- Mosquitoes LOVE me and BUGS want to ‘GET’ with me. Fifteen people in a room and one mosquito, it’s biting ME… repeatedly. I am anyone’s PERFECT eco-friendly, self-sustainable mosquito repellent. Why spread DEET all over your body, when you have ME around? For a small fee, I travel. And many of the bites from the 'WHATEVERS', stay with me for weeks, what's that about?

My VERY first Costa Rican, ‘I have a skin issue and need to see a Doctor NOW’, was an infucktion that seriously needed to be LANCED. The placement of this infucktion was rather embarrassing, funny, but EMBARRASSING (even for me). I know its placement ‘CRACKed’ some people up.

Even more good skin stuff:

Don’t know what Leishmaniasis is? My experience with Leishmaniasis can be found here in a past POST: It's NOT Swarzenegger, it's Leishmaniasis. Don't care, here's the pics:

Leishmaniasis: 3 Years AGO and TODAY
The Leishmaniosis SUCKED major ass, but I knew what it was and could deal with it. The worst by far is when I was having bouts of not breathing- that was scary, like an anxiety attack without the anxiety… well, it did cause anxiety to some degree, but it didn’t start with anxiety if you know what I mean. Actually, it started with coughing, which lasted over a month, then suddenly and randomly I wouldn’t be able to breathe, usually in the morning but sometimes in the afternoon as well. I tried to diagnose the problem myself- a holistic approach if you will. I don’t think overdosing on Vitamin C worked, but the cough and the bouts of not breathing went away after about 3 more weeks of Respiratory HELL. Personally, I think not breathing is about 100X worse than getting kicked in theNUTS- it hurts like a BITCH, but you pretty much know you're not going to DIE- when you're not breathing, it creates a LOT of DOUBT about tomorrow.

<<<<<<<<<<< A friend gave me one for my issue- BAD, BAD idea.

I know what you’re thinking- allergic reactions, a change in eating habits, a change of laundry soap… remember, I’ve been dealing with this shit forever. If I had to guess, I would say the bug and mosquito problems are just because they find my DNA attractive, rashes, dry skin (which has also happens to me here) I believe is caused by humidity and the fact I work out a LOT and when I get sweaty and HOT, my skin re-ACTS in a, “I’m so sick of you exercising and getting all HOT and SWEATY, I’m going to BREAK out in FUGLY red blotches all over your body,” type of way. The ones on my face were the worst. I know there were many times when a ‘friend’ wanted to say, “What are those fugly looking red blotches all over your face?” But being the friend they were, they acted as if they didn’t see the booger hanging out of my nose. Now, that’s a friend. This crap under my armpits, a total nuisance, but I'll ride it out.

You also may be thinking, "Hey michael, you always had skin problems, don't BLAME Costa Rica." First, I wouldn't 'blame' anyone, it's my choice to live here, but I can say the problems are of a different 'strain'. Really, I think the common denominator in my skin issues IS 'contact dermatitis', with differences being the Costa Rican numerators (got that?) Unfortunately, when I ask what the 'numerator' is, I usually hear, "Well, no sé, but lets try this cream." Pura Vida.

Whatever. Costa Rica is worth every mosquito infuckted, red blotch itchin, RASH and... even the bouts of respiratory HELL… have you ever seen the Arenal Volcano at night spewing lava while the jungle was singing BACKUP? I have....itch, itch.

Hey Everyone, we got TONS of Costa Rica Travel Information in our Travel Guide at Travel Costa Rica NOW and don't FORGET all our Costa Rica Travel Tip Videos, completely ORGANIZED so you can EASILY find what you're LOOKING for. ENjOY!

La Fortuna and Stupid Americans AGAIN!

Living in a tourist town in Costa Rica, such as La Fortuna, we obviously run into and meet a lot of foreigners. But why is it ‘us’ Americans (I’m talking the 50 States here), who usually come off as the more stupid of foreign travelers who visit Costa Rica. UGH!

Being from the United States can sometimes be truly embarrassing and that’s without BUSH.

I’m standing in line at our small grocery store to check out and the two guys ahead of me LOOK as if they’re straight out of the ‘Deliverance’ movie- I’m thinking West Virginia, complete with missing teeth…. yeah I said it. How did these guys ever come to be in La Fortuna Costa Rica? These guys couldn’t have looked more out of place if they were on a float at a GAY Pride Parade in San Francisco. They have 2 cans of black beans and some microwave popcorn… I know, a tad strange. We’ll call them, 'Dumb' and 'Fuckin Dumber'. 'Dumb' asks the cashier in a Hillbilly, English drawl that can only be described as ‘inbred-retarded’, “Do ya’ll have some of that there Gatorade or Powerade in this here store?”

Ummm, let’s guess the reaction of the Tica cashier….. EXACTLY, a tacit, ‘I don’t have the foggiest idea what you just said.’ 'Dumb' says it again, s-l-o-w-e-r and LOUDER (as if that makes all the difference in the world), “DOOO YAA’LLL HAVE SOME OF THAT THERE GATOORR-AA-DD-EE or POWERRR-ADE IN THIS HERE STORRRE?” 'Dumb' looked at 'Fuckin Dumber' as if he had just cured cancer, he honestly believed this would help her to understand, you know, because she was retarded and all, and he appeared to speak her language. 'Fuckin Dumber' nodded like 'Dumb' was his HERO or something. I was thinking, how about buying a toothbrush for God sake.

She smiled again, made the UNIVERSAL face of not understanding and said, “Lo siento, no entiendo.” Looking uncomfortable, Tica was glancing around for some help and actually left to find a co-worker or manager. *You might be wondering why I didn’t intervene? This happened fairly quickly, and it was so surreal, I was like a ‘deer in headlights’ waiting to get run over. I couldn’t shake the thought of what in the HELL were the cast members of Deliverance doing in Costa Rica?

Folks, this is embarrassing- 'Fuckin Dumber' looks at 'Dumb' and actually asks him why she’s talking about Nintendo. 'Dumb', the obvious brains of the outfit, told his partner that he didn’t think that’s what she said. 'Fuckin Dumber' looked perplexed.

I finally chimed in. The drinks in question were not but 3 feet from where they stood, in every flavor imaginable- the only thing missing were flashing lights.

I’ll paraphrase and save you the d-r-a-w-l, but 'Dumb' says to me, “You’d think this being a tourist town and all, they would teach these girls some English.”

Obviously, I mentioned that this being Costa Rica and ALL, they may want to learn some Spanish. Of course, I said this in the nicest of ways (I’m still thinking Deliverance), so 'Dumb' and 'Fuckin Dumber; didn’t even catch the slight. Always one to help out fellow Americans, I explained to them, if ever they don’t know what is being said in Spanish, just say, “Yo siento, no Nintendo.”

They thanked me for the TIP and smiled,,,,yikes. I also wanted to tell them that Dental work is done at a very reasonable cost in Costa Rica (insert theme song from Deliverance HERE).

'Fuckin Dumber' was practicing, “Yo siento, no Nintendo,” as he exited the store.

Luckily for me, I’ve been telling people I’m from Canada ever since I got here 3 years ago… REALLY, it often comes in handy in these trying times.

ALL your Costa Rica Travel Information at Travel Costa Rica NOW. Hope it HELPS!

The Island of Costa Rica

Got a little chuckle this morning- Here’s the start of the story:

Travel agent sends woman to Puerto Rico instead of Costa Rica. Samantha Lazzaris set off for a dream vacation among the beaches and forests of Costa Rica, but she ended up 1,300 miles away in Puerto Rico thanks to a blunder by her travel agent.

At first reading, this is funny shit, but after thinking about it for a moment, it’s actually quite SAD.

Living in Costa Rica has afforded me (and other expats) to actually witness firsthand, the unabashed stupidity of many of our family and friends who have absolutely NO idea where Costa Rica is located on the map, or at least they didn’t before ‘WE’ moved HERE. You may laugh, but I can’t count the times my more ‘educated’ friends have confused Costa Rica with Puerto Rico… and this is MUCH bigger than merely confusing the two countries because of similar semantics. I hear them muttering...

“Rica, Rico, Rico, Rica, I mean really, what do you expect? I only took 1 year of Spanish.”

I’ll bet RIGHT NOW, some of you are SCRAMBLING, you’re worried, you’re confused, you’re FEELING, well, DUMB…. “Damn, isn’t the island of Costa Rica off the coast of Florida somewhere? SHIT! Rico, Rica, Costa, Puerto……Rich Port Coast…..F**K…. Ahhh, who cares anyway, I know where Del Taco is.”

This is the SAD part- many Americans are geographically impaired (there’s HELP out there) because they believe the WORLD revolves around the UNITED STATES. “We’re the U.S. of A, we don’t have to know SHIT, you have to know where to find US.” On a personal note: I believe this to be the root of most of our problems. See: Ethnocentrism

We ARE indeed an arrogant lot. We don’t even apologize for being stupid, sorry, ‘geographically impaired,’ because once we’ve learned the capitals of ALL 50 States, the 7 continents and the 5 oceans, what else is there? Well, except for maybe, Del Taco.

I guess it should be noted, before it’s pointed out, this story didn’t happen in the STATES, actually it was in the UK. But my point still stands; after all, you probably don’t know where the UK is either.

Actually, what does the UK even stand for,,,,, ummm?

Rico, Rica, Costa, Puerto, uno, dos, tres……………..damn, all this Spanish makes me hungry for some Mexican.

OH! and for the record- I call Bullshit! That lady was the DUMBASS who BOARDED the plane to Puerto Rico......

Tons of Videos on Costa Rica at the Costa Rica Travel Channel and if you're planning on Living or Traveling to Costa Rica, then check out Travel Costa Rica NOW for all your INFORMATION. And see ALL our Costa Rica Travel Tip Videos on YouTube. ENjOY!

Feliz Cumpleaños to ME!

* This post has NO relevance to Costa Rica, except for the fact I DO live in La Fortuna, Costa Rica. It's my Birthday, and today, it's ALL about me......hehe

I hate to rain on my own parade, but NEVER have been one for birthdays, NOT mine and NOT other peoples. Actually, I don't do holidays either as I can't stand a 'calendar' telling me when I should recognize something or someone. If I want to give a gift, well then, I do, whether it's a holiday/birthday or not, In my opinion, the randomness of GIVING is much more thoughtful and sincere than any DATE set on a calendar for the sole purpose of NOT forgetting to recognize someone you supposedly care for (I find that strange). That said, it took me awhile before I realized it's NOT all about me, and some people really do enjoy a yearly reminder of being one year closer to WHATEVER. People never believe this, but in the recent past I had actually forgotten my birthday until some well-wisher, usually a family member, reminded me how close I was getting to 50 (as if TIME was standing STILL for them). For the RECORD- 50 doesn't mean shit to me, I'm young at heart, a little wiser, and a 20-year old would be more than happy with a body like mine....just sayin. So truthfully, feel more like 34. Although my lower-back may disagree......

But, don't get me wrong, I don't mind getting older- for me, it's ONE more year that separates me from the fact I was fairly STUPID not so long ago. It's also quite comforting to have the days of wondering if I could make BAIL firmly behind me. "Dear Mr. Bail Bondsman, will you except snow skies for collateral?" Yeah, for now, don't mind getting older one bit.

I came across this a couple of weeks ago and found it 'interesting'. It should be noted, I do NOT believe in these over generalizations as far as personality traits go and I think we have a LONG way to go before we really understand astrology............... and NO, I don't think we can tell ALL about a person by analyzing their signature. In my opinion, the people that 'run' or 'plan' their life by the 'STARS',,,..well, they're the same people that think keeping 600 cats in the kitchen is normal.

One of my favorite quotes is Walt Whitman's, "I am large and contain multitudes." But, if I had to describe myself, put myself in a BOX and plaster a few labels, then this overview of 'Aquarius' comes pretty close to describing me. Indulge me, it's my Birthday!

Aquarians present themselves in one of two ways. On one hand, you'll see someone who is shy and quiet. On the other, an Aquarius can be boisterous, eccentric, and energetic. Both are deep thinkers with a love of helping others. Highly intellectual, this is a fiercely independent sign that prizes intuition tempered with logic. Both personality types have an uncanny ability to see both sides of an argument without prejudice, making them excellent problem solvers. While very much attuned to the energies around them, Aquarians have a deep need to take time out alone and away to rejuvenate themselves. The keyword for this sign is imagination. The Aquarian can see a world of possibilities even when there appears to be none.

Friends and Family

Even though Aquarians are great with groups of people, it takes a bit when it comes to making close friends. Deeply sensitive and cautious, closeness means vulnerability to an Aquarius, and this is not something to be taken lightly. Aquarians' direct, no-nonsense approach in combination with their strong values can make it challenging to get to know the inner person. Yet those who are able to do so will discover a friendship that lasts through the years. An Aquarius will go the distance for a loved one to the point of self-sacrifice if necessary. They look for creativity, intellect, and honesty in their friends. When it comes to family, the expectations are no less. Although dedicated to a sense of duty to relatives, the Aquarius isn't one for developing close bonds unless the same qualities they expect in their friendships are there.

Career and Money

Aquarians bring enthusiasm to the work they do, especially when it involves expression. They have an exceptionally high ability to put their imaginative qualities to the task and to think outside the box. Careers that allow for concept development or demonstration can suit this sign well. I know is the key phrase for the Aquarius. High intellect combined with an Aquarius' willingness to share their talents inspires many who work in the same environment. Being visionary types, Aquarians love to engage in careers that aim to benefit humankind in the long-run.

When it comes to money, this sign really has a knack for keeping a healthy balance between having the things that they need and putting money away. When they are out shopping, the shiny, glittery, and extravagant will catch their attention even though their homes are generally decorated with great taste. It's not uncommon to find the Aquarius turning heads dressed in daring, brightly colored outfits. Most are well-attuned to their individual sense of style and aren't afraid to show it.

Careers that suit the Aquarius are acting, writing, teaching, photography, or piloting. The best environment is one that gives the freedom to tackle the task without a lot of strict guidelines. The Aquarius is unconventional, and given the opportunity to show their true talents, they can perform amazing feats.

Love and Sex

Intellectual stimulation is by far the greatest aphrodisiac for the Aquarian. There's nothing like a lively chat rich in culture and future possibilities to get this sign going. When it comes to love, people best suited are those that are not thrown off by Aquarian frankness. Open, communicative, imaginative, and willing to risk are all qualities that blend well with this sign's perspective on life. Honesty and sincerity are essential for anyone seeking a long-term connection to this dynamic personality.

AQUARIUS TIDBITS

Ruling Planet
The ruling planet for Aquarius is Uranus. This planet is considered the breaker of rules and tradition. Uranus rules psychology, inventions, originality, creative will, rebellion, and autonomy. This planet is futuristic, intellectual, and even eccentric.

Compatible Signs
Aquarians are most compatible with Gemini, Libra, and other Aquarians.

Opposite Sign
The opposite sign for Aquarius is Leo.

Perfect Gift
Unusual machines, music, books on favorite subjects, a gift to their favorite cause

Likes
A good cause, being part of a club, scientific ideas, fun with friends, a good listener

Dislikes
Dull or boring situations, people who disagree with them

House
Natural sign of the Eleventh House. This house focuses on friends, goals, hopes, wishes, circumstances beyond control, and love received.

Strengths
Progressive, original, humanitarian, independent

Weaknesses
Runs from emotional expression, uncompromising, temperamental, aloof

Charismatic Marks
Good looks, beautiful eyes, angular faces, thin build

Best Environment
Any gathering of people to exchange ideas

Personally, you'd know just as much about me if I would have said my favorite color is Burgundy, favorite number- 24, love to watch re-runs of 'Little House on the Prairie" and think John Edward's of 'Crossing Over' fame might be better OFF crossing over himself.

and I think, "CAT- the 'OTHER' White Meat" is pretty funny.

SNOW DAY! in La Fortuna Costa Rica

I grew up in the Midwest. I know COLD. I remember windchill factor and I recall missing school because of snowdays. I was a kid, cold was COOL, hell, I spent my winters shoveling driveways for like 2 bucks a pop. And I KNOW they were snickering watching me scrape the ice from their sidewalks as their fat asses sipped coffee in the warmth of their kitchen. I didn’t care, 2 bucks was 2 bucks, and it’s not like my baseball card collection paid for itself.

My first REAL job took me to Nebraska, also the Midwest, also cold as a MotherF***er. I must have been a glutton for punishment. It took me a few years to realize I hated windchill, and I damn sure didn’t want to shovel anymore driveways; let some 14-year old pick up a few bucks WHILE I SIP COFFEE IN THE KITCHEN. Besides, I sold my Johnny Bench rookie card years ago.

Hello Las Vegas. I loved Vegas- all 15 years. Cold was a distant memory. Vegas taught me that my body loves the heat like a mosquito to a candle.

Enter Costa Rica. Hello tropics. I love Costa Rica. However, my faith in the weather here was severely put to the test yesterday and for a moment....... I considered Fiji.

Acclimating to COLD is NOT like riding a bike- your body doesn’t remember SHIT. Me, my body goes into survival mode under 72 degrees, complete with shivering.

I’m here to tell you, yesterday was the coldest day in Costa Rican history. Well, at least my history, which is all of 3 ½ years. I couldn’t work. I decided I was taking a SNOW day; huddled on the couch, bundled up, in complete survival mode. (Wasn’t it the best feeling in the world when the radio alarm clock went off and you heard YOUR school declaring a Snow day?)

At one point I recall looking at D’Angelo, wondering if I could EAT him if it came to that.

Don’t laugh, but we actually turned on the dryer to generate some heat in our apartment. In the States, the dryers have some sort of metal or flexible aluminum tubing that runs from the dryer to a vent in the wall, releasing the hot air. Here, most houses or apartments were NOT built with a ‘vent’ in the wall. Instead, the tubing from our dryer goes into a small canister filled half-way with water. Don’t try to picture it, just take my word. Put it this way, when we turn on our dryer, it gets VERY hot in our apartment, the windows even steam up. Think sauna. But yesterday it was a godsend.

Today, thankfully, we’re back to normal (D’Angelo is safe for now), but I just had to check, I KNOW there had to be a record set yesterday in La Fortuna Costa Rica.

I consulted the internet.

Yup, I was right. Yesterday DID set a record; last time it was even close to being this cold was back in 1946.

Yesterday, in La Fortuna Costa Rica it was a bone-chilling 65 degrees.

Hot chocolate anyone?

Tons of Videos on Costa Rica at the Costa Rica Travel Channel and if you're planning on Living or Traveling to Costa Rica, then check out Travel Costa Rica NOW for all your INFORMATION. And see ALL our Costa Rica Travel Tip Videos on YouTube. ENjOY!

La Fortuna Banking- Whimsical Banking BITCHES!

2 Money Orders sent to me, by my mother who lives in Portland Maine- one for Christmas, the other, my birthday. Just so you know- sending an envelope to Costa Rica has a much better chance of reaching its destination (intact) than sending a package. Let’s just say packages could end up under someone else's Christmas tree. Both Money Orders total a mere $300.00.

As the story continues, keep in mind:

- In Costa Rica, Money Orders can take up to 30+ days to clear. So, it’s not as if you’ll be seeing cash anytime soon.
- Three years ago, upon arriving in Costa Rica, I did deposit a Money Order for $500.00 without a hitch (same bank).
- It is a TRUISM, in Costa Rica, branches of the SAME BANK do not necessarily provide the same services, and even the BASE services are subjectively applied from branch to branch.
- My Spanish is EXTREMELY suspect. (More on that in an upcoming post).
- My bank is Banco de Costa Rica (BCR).

I take my Christmas Money Order and patiently wait in line. Now, to a Tico, waiting in ‘any’ line is a social occasion, even at the bank, and often I half expect them to pull out a picnic basket and yard darts. To a gringo here, waiting in ‘a line’ is a chance to practice what Oprah and Eckhart Tolle explain as, ‘Being ‘ONE’ with the Moment.’ Trust me, Oprah and Eckhart would have their 'oneness' severely tested here in Costa Rica. *Yeah I know, I don’t see Oprah waiting in a line either.

Long story short, it didn’t get deposited; had something to do with the date, and the fact the teller thought it was a personal check. After that, I just heard the Spanish equivalent of blah, blah, blah. Meanwhile, my birthday approached and the second Money Order arrived. I had to figure something out.

Enter my friend, José. Tico, perfect English, even knows our slang. He called my bank and talked to someone. At first, they didn’t know what a Money Order was, then after talking to several people, it was discovered I needed a personal ‘Contract’ with the bank, so they could ‘except’ my ‘International checks.’ What the FUCK EVER. Even José was miffed.

José called his bank, BAC San José and asked them about the Money Orders. He’s been with BAC for like 20 years; and yes they knew what Money Orders were and yes he could deposit them in his account and give me the money when they cleared. I’ll believe that, when I see it.

We walked over. Same line, same picnic, and Oprah was nowhere in sight.

The first teller did a lot of smiling, but wouldn’t accept them as she didn’t know what they were. José insisted she call someone. Enter the manager. First, she flatly said "NO". (Whimsical Banking Bitch). Then come to find out, only one person in the ENTIRE bank could ‘approve’ the Money Orders, and she was NOT IT- ‘he’ had left 15 minutes prior and wouldn’t be back for the day. José wouldn’t let it go. He told them he was a ‘valued’ customer (which he was), he had talked to someone prior and they said it was okay, and blah, blah, blah. They refused. José shook his head, but he had some banking of his own, so proceeded to do so.

Suddenly, after José’s transaction, the original teller decided she would take the Money Orders (Whimsical *smiling* Banking Bitch). I signed and handed them over. 5-minutes into the transaction, the computer pops up that the transaction needed ‘approval’.

The Money Orders are still hanging on the refrigerator.

This is Costa Rica- 5 different tellers- 5 different answers; hence, WHIMSICAL BANKING BITCHES……………Although some DO smile.

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Drivers License Renewal Sets RECORD in Costa Rica

Someone needs to alert the folks at Guinness (World Records, not Beer) because I’m certain we broke some sort of record today. Possibly in the category of: ‘Gringo Completing ‘ANYTHING’ in a timely manner while living in Costa Rica.’ Well, whatever, if it's not a category, it should be.

Why Record Breaking? Because on this date:

3 Gringos (that’s right, 3) got their Drivers Licenses renewed in LESS than 25 minutes…in Costa Rica. This is unheard of. Like I said, someone dial-up Guinness.

Basically we started the day like any other when you have to complete paperwork in Costa Rica. Read that as 'EARLY!'

We planned on leaving early so we could be waiting in line when the place opened up- and like many ‘processes’ in Costa Rica, a lengthy drive is ALSO a prerequisite- this case was no exception.

Like before any Costa Rican process is undertaken, we turned off the electricity in our apartment, put covers over the furniture to protect from dust and then asked the neighbors to watch the place because we weren’t sure when we’d be back. We also loaded up on snacks and packed lunches anticipating the inevitable Tico-time mentality one is forced to deal with here during any governmental process, or any process for that matter; but ESPECIALLY as the process pertains to Gringos. Last time I prepared to ‘WAIT’ like this, it had something to do with ‘Guns and Roses’ and ‘Welcome to the Jungle’ meant something TOTALLY different…..oh, and standing in line was SO much more enlightening and reflective back then *wink wink*

I got nothing more to say. We arrived (not even on time mind you) and were IN ‘n OUT in a record 23 minutes and 53 seconds. There was a slight scare with my passport, it being a new model and all, it seemed to have caused a bit of confusion- just long enough for me to grab a PB&J out of the bag, anticipate the worst…and start thinking, ‘….just a little PATIENCE, YYEEAAAAHHHH, just a little PATIENCE, YYEEAAAAHHH’

He was back before the first bite and I couldn’t help but smile when he took my picture. Talk about GAY.

So is Costa Rica turning the page? Is Tico-time a thing of the past? Will my pessimism be replaced?

Let’s put it this way- Axl, Slash, Izzy, Duff and Matt have a better chance of re-uniting.............. and that ain’t happening either.

FOR THE RECORD- to RENEW a Costa Rica Drivers License

• YOUR BLOOD TYPE CERTIFIED BY a DOCTOR (this is a new requirement) - We’ve heard some people can just tell the doctor their blood type, but on this one we didn’t take the risk. It cost $20.00 each. We later found out we had been GRINGO PRICED.

• PHYSICAL also CERTIFIED AND STAMPED by a DOCTOR. This is totally a BULLSHIT physical. Blood Pressure and a bunch of questions about how much you drink or if you can move all your extremities, or if you’ve ever been a mental patient etc. Doctors take your word for this, or maybe he just didn’t see the bottle of Cacique in my pocket….hehe. This takes maybe 10 minutes and there are plenty of places in close proximity to the License place, if you haven’t taken care of this prior. This cost $20.00

• PASSPORT and CURRENT COSTA RICA DRIVERS LICENSE and it’s good to take copies, you never know.

• The RECEIPT from the bank, such as Banco Nacional. It is AT THE BANK you actually pay the fee for your Drivers License. This is done BEFORE hand. The Receipt is obviously the proof you have paid. Also $20.00.
Your renewal is GOOD for 5 years as opposed to only 2 years when you get your FIRST Costa Rican Drivers License.

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FIGHT! like a Tico

Ever heard one of these?

“Ticos have a heart of gold.”

“Ticos are so friendly and nice.”

“Costa Ricans are so passive; they don’t even have an Army.”

“Ticos treat everyone like family.”

“Ticos never have a bad thing to say about anyone.”

These generalizations (or stereotypes) tend to be true to a large extent, BUT there’s a simple explanation:

COSTA RICANS loathe confrontation. Once more, with feeling, COSTA RICANS LOATHE CONFRONTATION!

They ALWAYS have their ‘game face’ on and it’s virtually impossible to tell what they’re truly thinking. This provides a false sense of security for the other person; therefore, the ‘talker’ keeps talking, thinking the ‘Tico’ believes or accepts what’s being said. Maybe that’s true, but likewise, it could just as easily be quite the opposite. You may be being totally offensive to the Tico but, offensive or not, the Tico is nodding or responding in the affirmative- a cunning little ploy to keep you talking. There could be numerous reasons for this- Ammo for future use, good insider info on something or someone OR maybe they half like you and think it’s funny listening to your silly pontifications and intimate ramblings. Hell, maybe it’s the old adage of, ‘Keep your friends close, but your enemy’s closer.’ It’s hard to say. The ‘talker’ leaves the conversation thinking ‘What a friendly Tico,’ when the Tico is probably walking away thinking, ‘What an Asshole.’ And so it goes.

Outward verbal abuse, insults and even perceived and/or unintended slights are all dealt with in the same manner by a Tico- although in various degrees. It should be noted- Ticos rarely argue with someone outside their inner circle. Blatant verbals, insults and perceived slights are all responded to in the same manner- by passive aggressive behavior. Yell at a clerk and important documents WILL find their way to the bottom of the stack. Try and tell the contractor he made a mistake and there’s a good chance your living room could be missing electrical outlets. And then there’s always their personal favorite, the consequence of Tico-time- Just see if your house gets completed in the next 3 years or so. Of course the rub in all of this- never being quite sure what’s on purpose and what’s not, so you’re always left wondering. The Tico, well, they come out with their integrity intact because they’d never admit to doing ‘such a thing’ in the first place.

The majority of ticos are ‘two-faced.’ It’s true, I said it. Is this necessarily a bad thing? Ummm, think about it. They rarely argue and don’t like to confront or cause a ‘scene’. Have you ever tried to argue with someone that won’t? The problem is; you really don’t know what they’re thinking, but on the other hand, you get to say almost anything and they’ll just laugh and nod in agreement (as long as you’re not insulting them). Friendships may not always be genuine, but they’re ALWAYS cordial…..Kiss, Kiss.

WOW, I just had a revelation. If gringos weren’t so Confrontational, Obnoxious, Arrogant, Forceful and LOUD- maybe there wouldn’t be a need for passive aggressive behavior ......and maybe I would have an outlet to plug my fuck’in laptop into.

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Costa Rica STUPID!

I can’t believe I’m going to tell you this- I’ve done a lot of stupid things in my life, whatever, we all have. But, anytime you feel you may have sunken to a new stupidity low- think of me, you’ll feel like an Albert fuckin Einstein in no time.

One of my favorite quotes is, “Stupidity should be painful.” Well, if that were true, I would have been on a 2 ½ year morphine drip to ease the pain. And to think I used to make fun of Forrest Gump, compared to me, he's the smarter cousin.

Most gringos in Costa Rica will tell you a funny story of how they ‘botched’ the language, saying one thing when they meant another- mine is more a ‘visual’ Spanish problem.

I know I’m going to regret this. But here goes.

A washer and dryer are ‘gold’ in Costa Rica- especially a ‘full size’ dryer. Most Tico’s put their wash on the line, which takes about ‘forever’ to dry due to the humidity, constant rain, moist conditions etc, but since we live in a small apartment, we really have nowhere to hang clothes unless of course we want to go totally ‘trailer Park’ and hang stuff out the window. Not sayin we haven’t actually done that before, just sayin. It’s with pride that I say our ‘stackable’ full size washer and dryer are worth more than your 2000 inches of flat-screen TV any day of the week in Costa Rica.

Our grocery store in La Fortuna is relatively small and doesn’t really offer many choices, so you either buy the ‘white’ or the ‘wheat’ if you know what I mean.

You know what? Forget it- I’m not even going to try to explain. Besides, it doesn’t matter the whys, or the whats, or the fact my Spanish was pretty low-brow at the time, it’s irrelevant. The fact is, we had been washing our clothes EXCLUSIVELY in fabric softener for almost 3 years. Yeah, I said it- 3 years. I told you- bet you’re feeling pretty good about yourself right now.

Once or twice maybe- but 3 years?

Have you ever seen ‘whites’ washed in softener? Dingy doesn’t even begin to describe it. We thought it was because we don’t use ‘hot’ water with whites- well we can’t (most places outside of San José don’t have hot water hook-ups).

It gets even more embarrassingly stupid:

We didn’t discover this ‘stupidity’ ourselves. It went something like this- “Hey mike, don’t you normally put in the softener during the rinse cycle?”

“¿Qué?”

I guess smelling like a fuckin rose petal for 3 years somehow made up for a closet full of DINGY.

I'm already beginning to regret this.


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Costa Rican Culture Shock

I realize what I’m about to say will ‘unfortunately’ resonate with some, while others won't have the foggiest...

Anyways…

A certain degree of Culture Shock is a fact of life when moving to another country and should be expected. Relocating can often be a difficult transition and some people are better prepared than others. I understood, and was prepared for the reality of relocating, or so I thought. Unfortunately for me, somewhere in the vast expanses of my brain; I wasn't relocating- I was about to be drinking never-ending Margaritas, watching sunsets, and having lurid sex on the beach. My brain frequently gets a 'little' over dramatic, but you get the picture.

Honestly, when we (D’Angelo) first moved to Costa Rica, the reality of the relocation hadn’t really set in. It felt more like the beginnings of one long-ass vacation. You realize you made the ultimate move- but everything around you 'Screams' vacation, which in the beginning, wreaks havoc on your common sense. Older and wiser expats say this is a normal feeling.

*BTW- San José doesn’t count. San José is ‘ANY’ city, ‘ANY’ where. Moving there is like re-locating to Detroit, except I’ll be damned, in San José they speak a little more Spanish.

Naturally we went about the business of beginning ‘our’ new life. Moving in, finding the best places to shop, setting up bank accounts, phone lines, internet service etc. Those things can be exhausting……

….but nothing a frosty beverage wouldn’t cure. It didn’t take long to find a local hang-out, where other expats and tourists alike yap about the day. Before I realize it, we’re 5 beers in; discussing politics (gringos love conspiracy theories), living the simple life, and the pros and cons of Costa Rica in general. Impressed tourists will ask a ton of questions, and of course buy a couple shots for providing ‘inside’ information on the best place to spot the Resplendent Quetzal. Then, “Hey, it’s dinner time, you guys want to join us?” I say this in jest, but who are we to deny the chance of having dinner with a ‘real-to- life’ expats. Personally, it’s nice not to go home and heat up left over beans and rice for the third night in a row.

And so it begins- beers at ‘Gringo Petes,’ margaritas at the ‘Screaming Monkey,’ tequila shots at the ‘Drunk Iguana,’- if you know where you’re drinking, you know the day of the week. Of course local gringos always have their local hangout, and in all actuality, it doesn’t have to be a hotspot- cold beer (without the gringo pricing) and English conversation are the only prerequisites.

It’s all so exciting and new, plus, you wouldn’t want to miss anything by actually working in the afternoon, for a gringo in Costa Rica- that’s almost sacrilegious.

Personally, I like the fact that faces are forever changing in the bar, each one doe-eyed and impressed you actually had the ‘balls’ to make the move- a very nice shot of self esteem I must say (a false sense, but nice nonetheless). Sure you have the regular gringos, but you can tell the same story to a different tourist every day, and it’s always appreciated. Hell, Harry and Martha from Kansas, six beers in, are chatting away, inquiring about land for sale around Lake Arenal. FYI- the thought of selling land is an expats wet dream, since even a recommendation can net some serious cash- while drinking no less. I don’t do this, just say’in.

Overnight, one day blends into the next; Monday is suddenly Wednesday, which quickly segues into Friday. Of course Saturday is a party night. And don’t waste Sunday- as it’s back to work on Monday. Lunch has become a 3-hour affair, and why leave, it’s almost dinner time, and after that, it’s too late to do anything productive anyway.
You’ll speak your best Spanish when you’re able to slur, “Uno más por favor.”

The problem is - in Costa Rica, at any given time, there’s always a ‘reason’ to have a frosty beverage. Reasons to drink are as diverse as Costa Rica itself: a new friend, a new conversation, a social gathering of resident gringos, a meeting, the numerous holidays, the humidity, the second Tuesday of the month, a birthday or anniversary, someone is leaving back to the states, someone returned from the states, it’s raining, it’s sunny, surfs up, surfs down, the monkeys are out…………what day is this? Every day is Saturday? When did that happen?

I think most, including me, know that the vacation MUST end. I also know that some never wake up, and to be honest, I’m still shaking the cobwebs off.

It’s noon right now and the gringos are beginning to belly up to the bar- jockeying for ‘their’ stool. At this moment, Walt is telling Jim ‘the tourist’ he knows where he can purchase a really nice ‘lot’ for dirt cheap. Jim ‘the tourist’ will ask Walt which tequila he prefers; after all, they’re on vacation aren’t they?

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Look MOM no HEAD

Per your request mom- No head.

So, I told my mom about my pic (a couple posts down). I was pretty happy with it- about 10 minutes from 49-years old, and except for the background and a really miss-placed, mutant ZIT- NO photoshop. And it’s not like I take pictures of myself- it’s been quite awhile, so I told my mom to check out this blog. I’m fairly certain she’s not a fan of the blog itself (and I would never ask), so I’m thinking she would have never seen it. So I told her.

My mom's the type, IF you ask; she’s going to tell you. Hell, she even gives a second chance to spare yourself- “Do you REALLY want to know what I think?” It should be noted- there is NO ill will, malice, or mean-spiritedness in her opinion- she’s actually very NICE when she tells you to go f*** yourself….j/k mom.

This is what she said:

Hi honey, Just a quick reply. I liked 3/4 of the picture, but from the neck up I did not like. That handsome face looks drawn and far too thin. The cheeks look sunken in. You need more meat on that good lookin face. Just a mothers point of view. The rest of the picture looks perfect. Are you eating? I think you need to gain a little weight. love ya much, momxxxooo

See? She's not mean, and the more I look at the picture, the more she's right, although, she did hammer a bit with, "Are you eating? I think you need to gain a little weight," But, she definitely has me thinking, "Sure, I'll take another slice."

Funny thing, this isn't me on a diet- this is regular me,,,so if she's telling me I look like 'Skeletor", well then, 'Skeletor' it is. Oh well!

Nothing like a mother to keep one's self-esteem in check, however fragile it may be. Don't fret, it's not that fragile, just sayin.

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BLUE ZONE Bandwagon

Have you heard about these so-called, ‘Blue Zones?’ The story has been making the rounds on Oprah, Anderson Cooper, The Today Show etc. but just in case you haven’t, a brief definition from the WIKI people:

Blue Zones is a project that studies the regions of the world where people commonly live active lives past the age of 100 years. Scientists and demographers have classified these longevity hot-spots by their inhabitant’s uncanny ability to live longer, on average, than anyone else in the world.

The hub-bub here, is that the Nicoya Peninsula has been added to this very exclusive, albeit short list of Blue Zone locations; joining the likes of Sardinia, Italy, Okinawa, Japan, Loma Linda California and a few others.
The old people, sorry, the centenarians inhabiting Blue Zones share common lifestyle characteristics that contribute to their longevity.

Let’s see what the researchers say:

• Family comes FIRST
• Centenarians don’t typically smoke.
• Plant-Based Diet, in other words, fruits and veggies, not so much meat.
• Constant Moderate Physical Activity – Moderate physical activity is an inseparable part of life.
• Social Engagement – People of all ages are socially active and integrated into their communities.
• Legumes, such as peas, beans, lentils, lupins, and peanuts are routinely consumed.
• Having a ‘purpose’ in life, but also a good attitude about aging.
• And of course 2 glasses of red wine……seriously.

I swear I’m not a party-pooper. And as far as Costa Rica goes, I consider the entire country a Blue Zone, hell, their 'over-all' way of living is one of the reasons I live here- Pura Vida is for REAL and I feel privileged to be a part of it. That said….
.
….. are you fuckin kidding me? Did we not know this? Are you telling me we need ‘research’ to explain that a positive outlook, sense of purpose, healthy diet and exercise, social interaction and two glasses of red wine may increase our odds of living longer. *I’ve done a little of my own research, you may substitute Cacique for the 2 glasses of red wine.

Sorry, but I’m taking this a bit further.

I’d be willing to bet that the centenarians who live in these Blue Zones haven’t strayed more than 200 miles from home their entire life. The simple life is a WAY of life, but if you ask me, it’s still ‘extreme’ in its own way. Their life is simple and their thoughts are simple. And although we can learn something, and should, I KNOW they haven’t had half the life experiences I have. They’re content in their tiny ‘Blue Zone’ world and there’s nothing wrong with that; if it gets them to 100+, then GREAT. BUT, I’ll take 80 any day of the week for MY life. I prefer my ‘simple’ with a dose of ‘complexity’. I need to travel, contemplate new business ventures, party my ass off, experience things outside the box, keep an eye on the political system, change my mind often- and every other thing I can’t think of right now.

Simple IS, as simple DOES, and for my tastes- a little to ‘confining.’

Screw 100.

Go ahead; pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about.

Pass the peas.

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Costa Rica- The 3 Types of ExPats

Basically there are three types of gringos that call Costa Rica Home (and per the picture, can often be difficult to spot the differences at first glance). I’m sure there are exceptions, but normally they will fit into one of these three categories.


Obviously, just my observations,,,,,,,,,,,I could be wrong.

The gringo with money is the first type. Not necessarily rich rich, but maybe. This gringo comes here but doesn’t really want to change their lifestyle in anyway. As a matter of fact, they fight change every step of the way, but won’t actually admit to it. They may purchase a smaller house, or not, but it will have all the amenities, as this gringo will NOT do without. Not saying that’s a bad thing, just sayin. They usually live in the ‘burbs around San Jose, particularly, Escazu, or in pockets around the country where other gringos with money congregate, such as Tamarindo. This gringo frequently doesn’t know or want to learn Spanish, and will often talk to ticos in slow, exaggerated English like that will make them understand it better, and even have the audacity to get upset when they don’t. They can frequently be overheard saying things like, “That’s not how they do it in the States.” Whether they’re aware or not, they tend to be very insulting to Costa Ricans in general. These are the ones you want to say, “Then why don’t you go back where you came from if it’s so much better there.” These gringos want Costa Rica to be like the States and also tend to be whiners and complainers, but again, won’t admit it. On returning to Costa Rica from the States, they’ll stock up on trivial items because, “You just can’t find those here.” I should note; many gringos do this, but with this breed of gringo it’s usually something stupid like Q-tips (I’m not making this up). This person was pretentious when they lived in the states and they’re pretentious here. The only thing about them that has changed is their address. These gringos often make you scratch your head and say, “WTF did you move here for?”

The second type of gringo, to which I belong, came here with a little money and want to make a go of it. Typically, not independently wealthy, this gringo will eventually have to find some source of income, or if they don’t need money, they’re interested in getting involved in ‘something.’ Disenfranchised with the materialist thinking of the States, or perhaps the political climate, this gringo is usually seeking the simple life of sorts and wants to experience everything Costa Rica has to offer- the good, the bad, and the ugly. Learning Spanish would be mandatory, as this type of gringo couldn’t imagine otherwise. Of course there will be problems. The concept of ‘tico time,’ will be a hard adjustment, and ‘gringo pricing’ will also take some time getting use to, but in the end, this gringo will take the good with the bad, but appreciate the difference. I think I can speak for this type of gringo when I say, “I couldn’t imagine living anywhere else…at least for now.”

What to say about the third type of gringo? Well, I can say they give the rest of us a bad name. Haters they are. They really wouldn’t be happy anywhere. They complain, and whine, and talk (to anyone who will listen) how LIFE has dealt them a blow. They’re irresponsible and blame everyone and everything for their lot in life (but with passion, they’re often very believable). And yes, they’re frequently running from ‘something’ i.e., the LAW, or other ‘problems.’ Outcasts in their own country- this gringo could, and does live where other riff-raff gather- beach towns, tourist spots- places where they can scam and con their way into making their next rent payment. This gringo is ALWAYS searching for the big payoff, of course without the work, or the capital, but ALWAYS with an IDEA. They could have easily landed in Costa Rica by spinning the globe and randomly placing their finger down stopping where ever… (remember that game?) They’re the ones that kept spinning until they landed on Hawaii or some other exotic location, never happy. Luckily, they’re easy to spot. They normally start drinking beer around lunch time and congregate where tourists are- at first, very sociable, even likable. They LOVE to talk about the state of affairs in the U.S. (all negative), as they HATE and ABHOR the political system, and in particular- anything BUSH. And I’ve never heard a conspiracy theory they didn’t adhere too. But beware; eventually, they’ll be attempting to sell you on something, usually LAND. They are the go-between, as they don’t usually own the land themselves, but they might. But here, you get paid to be the go-between, and after all, it is money you can make while suckin down the suds, SWEET! Hang out with this type of gringo for ANY length of time, and you’ll know. Really, they’re just sad and in all actuality- I feel sorry for them.

Quick inventory- I don’t care for Bush, I DO think 9-11 was an inside job to some degree, I DO have land for sale AND it’s 12:20 in the afternoon and I’m on my second Imperial. Ummm…?

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Tico Driving- EXPOSED!

Take whatever you’ve heard about the driving skills of Ticos, multiply by 100- and THEN you’ll be in the ballpark of how bad of drivers they actually are.

Websites pertaining to Costa Rica are often subjective, unreliable, misleading etc. But every site out there seems to agree on one thing- Costa Rican drivers are among the worst on the planet. Even the Chinese come in a distant second. On second thought, they may be a PUSH.

If you’ve never had the opportunity to drive in a demolition derb.…..I mean Costa Rica, I’d say definitely put it on your ‘Bucket List’- before the new set of dentures and after jumping out of a plane at 15,000 ft. Actually, when I think about, driving here is a peculiar combination of the two. Anyways, when in Costa Rica, expect one, or better yet, a combination of the following to occur (at any given time): an 18-wheeler using a two-lane road as if it’s a one-way street. Passing on a curve - Stopping on a curve. Sudden U-turns, really, they’ll do this on the highway- it’s truly a sight to behold. Many WILL stop their cars when talking on a cell phone, but that doesn’t mean they’ll actually pull over- they just STOP. Folks, I can’t make this up. Also, Ticos will rarely miss an opportunity to ‘chat it up’ with friends- frequently pulling alongside a friend’s car, or perhaps their relatives they spotted walking to the store- oblivious to the line of cars stacking up behind them.

Remember, driving in Costa Rica is already difficult; rain, sun, darkness, fog, clouds, potholes, pedestrians, animals, mudslides, etc. can turn the shortest of trips into a white-knuckle affair in an instant. Here's OUR video about the driving conditions in Costa Rica:



Now, add a Tico driver to the mix and you have the recipe for disaster. I know you think I’m being overly dramatic- but I assure you, I’ve driven in numerous countries around the world, and this is the worst. Even in Rome, as a group, they drive in organized disorganization that somehow seems to work- they GET IT.

Ticos are NOT aggressive drivers per se, so what makes them think they can stop their car, on a curve no doubt, and get out and pee, regardless of traffic and/or driving conditions?

I know the answer. Hopefully I can explain it.

We’re talking about a culture with no standing Army, patience to spare (tico time), a Pura Vida attitude... and loathes confrontation of any kind. They extend constant driving courtesy BECAUSE they expect it in return. It’s nothing they actually think about, it’s more unconscious than that, but courtesy nonetheless. They get behind the wheel and do whatever they want, whenever they want. They expect their driving indiscretions to be accepted as such, because they know and understand they would wait for the guy to finishing peeing without the slightest agitation.

So, to the untrained eye, Tico driving appears as a severe case of complacency, or at least, a total lack of regard for others. But to them, when they decide to make a U-turn during rush hour, well, it’s ALL understood, because that guy peeing- he’s behind the guy making the U-turn.

And so it goes…

I would like to note that although I understand…this is NOT Rome, and in my opinion, no matter how you rationalize it- it’s just plain DANGEROUS. Because, let’s be honest, some of us pee at the gas station.

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the OTHER roommate- ANTS

Right now, at this very second, I have the feeling that something is scurrying the length of my forearm- and very fast- actually, it seems to be on my shoulder now. There’s another sensation on my ankle. Umm, maybe a mosquito, we have a few of those here, but no, these feel familiar.

These ‘sensations’ started around 3 years ago and drove me NUTS. When I would search the body part the sensation was coming from, I saw NOTHING. Of course at the time, I was in denial I needed reading glasses, so I wouldn’t have seen anything anyway. Regardless, I was seriously questioning the messages my sensory receptors were sending my brain. Something was amiss, and although I experimented, I knew I hadn’t done THAT many drugs.

That was then and this is now, I’ve learned a thing or two. I now know those weren’t ‘false’ sensations; there really was something, or a bunch of somethings roaming around my body, and pretty much at will.

The sugar ants moved into our apartment about the same time we did, probably drawn to it for the same reason- the view of the park from our bedroom window. Actually, I think it’s the wood furniture, as they seem to prefer Guanacaste (a tree here) wood even more than sugar (maybe Guanacaste Ant just didn’t roll of the tongue as well). At first, we did what any gringo would have done- we sprayed the SHIT out of them. I’ll be damned if we’re going to have ants taking over our apartment, besides, it’s not like they were paying rent or anything. Now, if they’d just confine themselves to a few out of the way locations in the apartment, then maybe, just maybe, I’d let them stay. But NOOOO….sugar ants are so controlling.

If you know anything about sugar ants, you know they’re really tiny, not your garden variety ant- which is a good thing if you gotta have ants in your apartment, cause here, some varieties can be Schwarzenegger (pre 1995) big. We sprayed, And Sprayed, AND SPRAYED. We concluded that spraying was merely a band aid approach of getting rid of ants, with no real lasting results. Subsequently after spraying, we tried leaving the little dead ant carcasses scattered around the kitchen counters, hoping the surviving ants wouldn’t be able to bare the devastation of it all and just retreat to our neighbors apartment.….really, it seemed sensicle at the time (who wants to stick around where a murder has taken place). Of course it didn’t work. Then we tried bleach on the counters- nada. We even consulted our good friend the internet and mixed two drops of apple-cider vinegar into a cup of dish washing liquid- again, no effect, although I did notice the ants appeared to have a shine about them that I hadn’t noticed before. If these (so-called) remedies were having any effect, it wasn’t apparent. Personally, I would have left voluntarily if I knew I wasn’t wanted, but these little boogers wouldn’t pick up on any social cues.

Anyway, that was then….

Every house in Costa Rica has ants- yeah, I said it. They may leave for awhile, but they always come back. Don’t like ants? Don’t move here. You may adjust to culture shock, learn tico time is a way of life, hell, you might even learn how to combat gringo pricing, but you will NEVER, EVER, rid your house of sugar ants, so you had better learn to be ONE with them- I know I have. Okay, I’ll admit to ‘thinning the herd’ every now and then, usually right before company comes over; some people just don’t appreciate moving parts in their salad. Personally, I don’t mind the extra protein.

Right now, at this very second, I have this feeling……………oh shit, that’s not an ant!

Next article: So you’ve become one with the ants, what about the other big ass bugs!

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